The Power of Pause: Emotion Regulation in Navigating Relationship Conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. But how we handle conflict? That’s what makes or breaks the connection.
I’ve seen this time and time again with couples I have worked with—and honestly, in my own life, too. Emotions run high, words are exchanged, and suddenly, we’re no longer talking to our partner—we’re reacting to our own fear, frustration, or hurt. It’s in these moments that emotion regulation becomes not just helpful, but essential.
Let’s break this down.
What Happens When We’re “Flooded”?
According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown is emotional flooding. This is when our nervous system goes into overdrive during conflict—heart racing, muscles tense, brain hijacked. In this state, we’re in survival mode. Our bodies are too amped up to think clearly, and communication usually spirals into criticism, defensiveness, or shutting down.
When you’re flooded, you're not being your best self—you’re being your most reactive self.
That’s why one of the most important relationship skills isn’t just about communication—it’s about regulation.
The Role of Self-Soothing
Gottman encourages couples to practice self-soothing—to take a break, step away, and calm the nervous system before returning to the conversation. This isn’t avoidance. It’s wisdom. And it leads us to a powerful concept from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): the Wise Mind.
What Is Wise Mind?
In DBT, we talk about three states of mind: Emotion Mind, Reasonable Mind, and Wise Mind.
Emotion Mind is where our feelings take the wheel.
Reasonable Mind is ruled by facts, logic, and planning.
Wise Mind is the integration of both—it’s the calm, centered place where we respond from a centered place, not impulse.
When you’re in Wise Mind, you're not trying to win the argument. You're trying to stay in connection. That’s a game-changer.
Using the STOP Skill During Conflict
One DBT technique I often recommend for couples is the STOP skill, which helps you shift from Emotion Mind to Wise Mind in the heat of a moment:
S – Stop. Freeze. Don’t say or do the next reactive thing.
T – Take a step back. Breathe. Create physical space if needed.
O – Observe. Notice what’s happening inside and outside of you. What are you feeling? What is your partner showing you?
P – Proceed mindfully. Move forward with intention, not impulse.
I’ve had couples put the STOP skill on their fridge, in their phones, or even use it as a code word in arguments to remind each other: We’re not enemies. We’re overwhelmed.
Mapping Your Triggers
Another great exercise is the Trigger Map.
Each of us has emotional “landmines” rooted in our past—core fears, unmet needs, old wounds. When these get activated, we react more intensely than the moment calls for.
A Trigger Map helps you:
Identify what situations, words, or tones tend to trigger you.
Connect those triggers to the emotions and core needs underneath.
Clarify how you want to respond next time—with boundaries, self-compassion, or a pause.
For example, if your trigger is your partner walking away during conflict, the feeling may be abandonment, and the need may be reassurance. Instead of yelling “You always leave!” you might say, “When you walk away, I feel anxious and alone. Can you let me know when you’ll be back so I don’t spiral?”
That’s a regulated response. That’s Wise Mind.
Final Thoughts
No one is immune to being triggered in relationships. But we can get better at recognizing when we’re dysregulated, stepping back, and choosing mindful action over knee-jerk reaction.
By practicing self-soothing, identifying triggers, and using skills like STOP, we create space to respond instead of react—and in that space, relationships thrive.
Because when we regulate ourselves, we protect the connection.
